For One Moment in Time

For one moment in time you were mine. Your life is a mystery to me. Is your face unrecognizable or would I know if it were you standing before me? Do you know the tears I shed each time my mind wanders back to that hot August day in the year 2000? If I allow myself this walk down memory lane will you walk with me one day? Will you ever know that I would have given my life to keep you safe? Will you forgive me for separating us?

In your newborn memory somewhere do you recall the sleepless nights I spent crying while evil slept, hoping somebody, anybody would come save us? But nobody did. My cries went unheard. My silent pleas went unanswered. Soon you would be born with no one around to keep the evil away. Have you been forever lost to me? I hope you have no memory of the evil that separated us. The monster you could hear in the shadows but never saw; he cannot hurt us anymore.

I used to say good triumphed over evil that day but did it really? You were forever torn from my arms. That is what the evil wanted. So maybe evil did win. We'll never have an answer as to who won. We both lost. I lost you. You lost me. We became strangers the day I signed those papers making it official.

Those damn papers severed a spiritual bond that shouldn't have been broken. You were mine. My flesh and blood. My sweat and tears. My dreams of motherhood made you a reality. Get the papers out of my face. You can't have him. He is mine. The evil won't win today, it can't win today. My hand is signing those papers while my soul silently screams out to grab you and run away.

As I write tonight with my eyes closed I can smell the room where you cried for the first time. I feel the pain of your entrance as if it's still happening. The hard bed underneath me. You're crowning. Oh it burns doctor. Please get it out. Get it out. I scream out for you to be gone from the place where I hurt. Inside I scream please please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready for you to go. They can't have you yet. No, no, no, oh God please help me. They can't have him yet. A sigh of relief the burn is gone. I cannot get up to run away with you. The stirrups hold my numb, dead legs spread eagle. The epidural which brought little relief from the pain of labor now holds me a prisoner in this room.

You're here. You're crying. Are you crying out for me? What are you? We didn't know until that moment when the doctor's voice announces it's a boy. I catch a glimpse of you as they hand you to the nurse. Come to me my precious little angel. I will find a way to save us. Do I want to hold you? Oh do I ever. More than anything I want to hold you. I want to hold you forever. I want to run with you from that place to somewhere the evil can't find us.

No, I tell the nurse to give you to your mommy. She takes you in her arms. Her smile lights up the room. She waited a long time for you. She promises me she will keep you safe. She will take you away from the evil forever to a place that knows only love. Do you know how much I love you? I told you as many times as I could before it was too late. I look at you all snuggled warmly in blankets. You look peaceful, as if all is right with the world.

I walk through the exit. The hot sun hits me in the face. It's a huge difference from the air conditioning I just walked out of it. Temporarily my mind forgets the tears stinging my cheeks. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I need to make it to the car before the screaming in my heart becomes too much to bare and I run back inside for you.

Evil is beside me making sure I do not turn back. My ears hear him saying he is glad it's over and that the problem is finally gone. It's too much for my mind to process. The hands of darkness are reaching out to grab me. I finally make it to the car and slide into the seat. What have I done? The world as I knew it no longer exists.

So maybe it was you who won that hot sunny day in August when I walked out leaving you behind. For now I can only hope that you did. That you continue to win each and every day. You, the one who was mine for only a moment in time. I miss you my son. Until we meet again I will hold onto this moment. Evil cannot take that away from me.

This is what it feels like to become a mother without her child, to place a child for adoption. This is a work in progress I hope to have published as a book someday. It's real. It's raw. It's incredibly painful.

Time goes too fast

My last post was about our newest addition to the family. Can you believe enough time has already gone by for him to be rolling over, eating solids, babbling, giggling and playing? At this rate I'm going to be old by next week!

Hubby still works for Cumby's as asst manager. They're going to be getting some new things in the store later this year. That means he will have to travel to MA for training. He thinks it will be sometime in September.

School is almost out for the summer. The girls have their last day June 17th. Victoria's class trip is this week. Please let me remember to pack everything she needs! My memory has left much to be desired lately. I forgot to give Catherine money for milk this morning. She had to send Victoria back to get it before they left for school.

Hmmm let's see, what else is going on in life??? My classes have started for the summer. Seem to be going well so far. The new Moodle (for online classes) takes some getting used to. I think for now I've found everything I need to on it. Need to do my first A&P quiz tonight while the house is quiet and I'm able to sit without interruptions.

Little Dude is waking from his nap. So much for my half hour of mommy time. It was 5 minutes of mommy time. Before I go here is a pic of all the kiddos. Those who know me on Facebook will have already seen it. Those who follow here...enjoy!

long time since I updated

It's been forever since I logged in here to update. In that time my surrogacy journey has ended and we've added another little one to our own family. A little boy. We named him Sonny. He is the cutest little thing!!!! And soooo snuggly.

My Review of Stairway Twin over Twin Bunk Bed-2 Free Mattresses!

Originally submitted at SimplyBunkBeds.com

For classic style, quality craftsmanship and smart, space-saving design, the Stairway Twin Over Twin Bunk Bed is an excellent choice. The top bunk features safety rails on all sides for increased safety and it's accessed via a set of sturdy stairs. These wide steps are easier and safer for s...

Stairway Twin over Twin Bunk Bed-2 Free Mattresses!

Great bed

By ShannonM1976 from Vermont on 3/6/2010

 

5out of 5

Pros: Comfortable, Sturdy, Fun

Best Uses: Toddlers, Pre-Teens, Young Children

Describe Yourself: Midrange Shopper

This bed is beautiful, sturdy, my girls love it. It matches the hardwood floors in their room perfectly. The only drawback is the stairs arrive fully assembled. This is a great timesaver during assembly but they are big & very very heavy. If you have to take them upstairs (like we did) make sure you arrange help from some good strong men. Or pay the extra to have them brought in for you.

(legalese)

Taking a break, Snow and school

Our surro journey is on hold until June. I think Travis updated SMO so most of you who follow here probably already knew that anyway. Until then I won't be posting much about it.

We had snow here in VT this week. It was beautiful on the trees. I got some awesome pics. Shoveling it...aaahhh not so great. Girls had a blast playing outside since it's also been school vacation week.

School is going well. Next week midterm projects are due in Human Growth & Development. March 5th starts registration for summer classes. I can't decide if I want to take the summer off or keep going. The break would be nice. But on the other hand if I take classes year round I'll be finished sooner. I do know if I take classes it will only be online. No way I want to be tied down to a classroom all summer.

Cycle Update

Well AF showed yesterday so we have cycle #6 negative. I've sat here trying to think of positive things to say. It's not coming to me this morning. This whole thing sucks! I'm frustrated, angry, sad. Hubby left to take the kids to school so I'm sitting here crying. If he saw me crying I'd get that look like I was nuts. I don't understand what is going wrong??? Hopefully the Dr. can give us some answers on Wednesday when we meet with her. It's so hard not to let all the bad thoughts creep into my mind after this many failed cycles. Maybe I'm too old? Maybe I'm not meant to do this for some reason? Whatever game Mother Nature or fate is playing with us...you will notice NONE of us are laughing. So knock it off already!!!

What a whirlwind!

Ok where to start??? First my middle one had strep throat. Then the oldest got scarlet fever. Scarlet fever is from strep but the body reacts differently to it and you end up with a rash. She's now itchy from head to toe with the rash healing. Then the baby had fever, complained of sore throat day before yesterday. Off to the dr's office again. Sure enough she has strep too. It's her 3rd time having it. The first times were while she was less than 2 yrs old. Dr says there may possibly be a referral out to an ear, nose, throat doc because A)strep that often, that young isn't normal B)her tonsils have stayed big and red for a long time. Yesterday hubby went on antibiotics for strep. During this whole thing I've been coughing, sneezing, stuffed up and cannot hear in my left ear because something is blocking it. I'm off to the docs tomorrow to get poked with needles. For my nursing program, the college needs proof of immunizations. Ummm I'm 33 yrs old. My pediatrician is dead. His old office building is now a music store. So I get special treatment....titers to see if I'm immune to everything I should be. If I'm not I get to have immunizations. Woo Hoo doesn't that sound like fun! Hopefully it doesn't take long to come back. The college put all my financial aid on hold until they have proof of immunizations or immunity. Do dr's offices have frequent flyer miles for so many visits in 1 month?

Today was the day from H E double hockey sticks! If it could go wrong, it DID! And it wasn't even major things. Stupid stuff like fax machine wouldn't work. Printer kept eating the paper. I lost my watch. I shut my finger in the car door. Darling hubby was laughing his butt off at me as I'm saying bad words to the printer. See if he ever gets nookie again!