Wednesday, February 15, 2012

For One Moment in Time

For one moment in time you were mine. Your life is a mystery to me. Is your face unrecognizable or would I know if it were you standing before me? Do you know the tears I shed each time my mind wanders back to that hot August day in the year 2000? If I allow myself this walk down memory lane will you walk with me one day? Will you ever know that I would have given my life to keep you safe? Will you forgive me for separating us?

In your newborn memory somewhere do you recall the sleepless nights I spent crying while evil slept, hoping somebody, anybody would come save us? But nobody did. My cries went unheard. My silent pleas went unanswered. Soon you would be born with no one around to keep the evil away. Have you been forever lost to me? I hope you have no memory of the evil that separated us. The monster you could hear in the shadows but never saw; he cannot hurt us anymore.

I used to say good triumphed over evil that day but did it really? You were forever torn from my arms. That is what the evil wanted. So maybe evil did win. We'll never have an answer as to who won. We both lost. I lost you. You lost me. We became strangers the day I signed those papers making it official.

Those damn papers severed a spiritual bond that shouldn't have been broken. You were mine. My flesh and blood. My sweat and tears. My dreams of motherhood made you a reality. Get the papers out of my face. You can't have him. He is mine. The evil won't win today, it can't win today. My hand is signing those papers while my soul silently screams out to grab you and run away.

As I write tonight with my eyes closed I can smell the room where you cried for the first time. I feel the pain of your entrance as if it's still happening. The hard bed underneath me. You're crowning. Oh it burns doctor. Please get it out. Get it out. I scream out for you to be gone from the place where I hurt. Inside I scream please please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready for you to go. They can't have you yet. No, no, no, oh God please help me. They can't have him yet. A sigh of relief the burn is gone. I cannot get up to run away with you. The stirrups hold my numb, dead legs spread eagle. The epidural which brought little relief from the pain of labor now holds me a prisoner in this room.

You're here. You're crying. Are you crying out for me? What are you? We didn't know until that moment when the doctor's voice announces it's a boy. I catch a glimpse of you as they hand you to the nurse. Come to me my precious little angel. I will find a way to save us. Do I want to hold you? Oh do I ever. More than anything I want to hold you. I want to hold you forever. I want to run with you from that place to somewhere the evil can't find us.

No, I tell the nurse to give you to your mommy. She takes you in her arms. Her smile lights up the room. She waited a long time for you. She promises me she will keep you safe. She will take you away from the evil forever to a place that knows only love. Do you know how much I love you? I told you as many times as I could before it was too late. I look at you all snuggled warmly in blankets. You look peaceful, as if all is right with the world.

I walk through the exit. The hot sun hits me in the face. It's a huge difference from the air conditioning I just walked out of it. Temporarily my mind forgets the tears stinging my cheeks. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I need to make it to the car before the screaming in my heart becomes too much to bare and I run back inside for you.

Evil is beside me making sure I do not turn back. My ears hear him saying he is glad it's over and that the problem is finally gone. It's too much for my mind to process. The hands of darkness are reaching out to grab me. I finally make it to the car and slide into the seat. What have I done? The world as I knew it no longer exists.

So maybe it was you who won that hot sunny day in August when I walked out leaving you behind. For now I can only hope that you did. That you continue to win each and every day. You, the one who was mine for only a moment in time. I miss you my son. Until we meet again I will hold onto this moment. Evil cannot take that away from me.

This is what it feels like to become a mother without her child, to place a child for adoption. This is a work in progress I hope to have published as a book someday. It's real. It's raw. It's incredibly painful.