Some old writings

So the place that hosts one of my webpages is going to be shutdown. That means I have to move all my writings from there in order not to loose them. These are old. I'm putting them here until I can update them then get another webpage built.

First surrobaby's birthstory:


I got to the hospital around 8:15 on Friday June 17th, 2005.
Was running a bit late because my youngest one came down sick the night
before. IM was there waiting for me. Her 5 yr old had also come down sick
the night before so we were both a nervous wreck about leaving our kids
and about the induction.
We went up to labor and delivery floor. They did the normal paperwork
stuff etc. Then placed the cervidyl. I was having some mild, irregular
contractions when I got there. Unfortunately after waiting all day they
never became anything strong or consistent. Throughout the day I got
phonecalls from my sister about how my youngest was doing at home. She
wasn't doing well at all. I think it made me too tense and held up being
able to go into labor. At around 4:30 I asked if they could let me go home
since nothing was happening. It was decided I'd go home, we'd come back
the following morning and try pitocin.
I left about 5pm. By 8pm I was having strong contractions 1-2 minutes
apart. So called the midwife. She said to come back in. IM and I arrived
back at the hospital around 8:30. This was definitely labor. My cervix was
4-5cm dilated and contractions were beginning to be quite painful. When I
left earlier I had a feeling as soon as I got home and was able to relax
for a while my body would kick in on it's own.
Contractions were pretty painful and I decided to try pain meds. I've done
2 deliveries without them. This time I just didn't want to hurt anymore.
Around 10:30 my epidural was placed. Before the anesthiologist (sp?) got
there the midwife broke my water so she could place an internal monitor on
Matthew. We were losing his heartbeat every time I had a contraction. She
wanted to be able to get a better sense of what was going on. She said the
cord was probably around his neck or wrapped around his body and being
squeezed during contractions. That was a little scary.
Then came time to push. I didn't look at the time so don't know for sure
how long pushing took. Matthew's heartrate was dropping into the 60's each
time I pushed. The midwife had a nurse go get a Dr in case we needed to
get him out in a hurry. IM had been standing next to me holding my leg and
my hand during the pushing. I happened to look up at her to see tears in
her eyes. We were all worried about getting him here safely. Seeing those
tears gave me a big push of adrenaline. It took 2 more pushes for him to
be born. He was fine and absolutely gorgeous. Looks a lot like my youngest
daughter with a full head of black hair. I'm betting the dark hair falls
out in time.



I was asked by a new person considering traditional surrogacy what it had
been like after the birth. This was my answer to her.
My IPs are awesome, IM especially. She's sweet, compasionate,
loving, and so cute as a mom to a new little one. Emotionally it hasn't
been bad recuperating from being a TS. There haven't been any big moments
of hurt, crying or OMG what have I done type feelings. It's the strangest
thing to try to put into words. Yes Matthew is and always will be a part
of me so there's a special connection with him, but at the same time he's
not mine in the same way my 2 girls are. My IPs older son, T, was my
firstborn child. His was a straight adoption, not TS. When I placed him I
went through absolute hell grieving afterward.It literally nearly killed
me on more than one occasion. So that was what I expected after Matthew
was born. Since Matthew's birth I've realized that my grief over T was
more the loss of a dream, dream of mommyhood, than it was actually him.
After I placed him I resigned myself to never being a mommy. I'd had 3
late miscarriages with my husband at the time and then with what happened
to force me to place T the thought of mommyhood just hurt too much to
think of. It wasn't until after I left that situation, allowed myself to
heal and became a mommy myself that I began to think of giving something
back. My girls became my world. After so much heartache and then joy I
realized there were many others out there with the same ache in their
heart as me to hear a little voice say "Mommy." So whether it had been T's
parents or strangers that I had done this for I'd still feel the sense of
love and accomplishment that I do now in helping someone to become a
parent. Being a TS definetly isn't for the weak at heart. Now that all is
said and done I think the most important thing I'd tell a newbie thinking
of being a TS is this: If you really want to do this be sure
you're strong enough, have fully examined your own set of why's and how's,
and honestly are not doing it for money. In the end if money is/was your
primary motivation it'll never be enough to set aside the motherly
instincts, let go and feel good about your journey. TS is the ride of a
lifetime. You'll learn more about yourself from this one experience than
you ever expected.

I've also been asked what I want out of surrogacy. That's a hard thing to
put into words. Of course the obvious answer is to help someone become a
parent, but there's so much more to it than just that. I want the joy
that comes from knowing I helped to change someone's life forever, to
know that when I'm gone the love I have in my heart will live on through
the things I've done. I want my girls to see through me, that with love
and compassion we all can make a difference in this world. I want them to
learn to look beyond themselves and live without selfishness or greed.
Surrogacy just has such a special place for me that goes far beyond words.

Adoption Story:

I got married in 1995 when I was 18. It was great for a while, and then something just seemed to snap. I think it had a lot to do with losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks along on 3/23/96. He became distant and I turned into an emotional wreck. Life was a battle just to get from one day to the next without crying, asking "why me" and feeling this awful bitterness toward other women who had their babies. "How come they can and I couldn't?"

Then the abuse started, mildly at first. I don't think I really even noticed what was taking place in the beginning. He always said he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and if I hadn't made him so mad, etc. Ok, so I was quite emotional and hard to handle at times. Maybe it was my fault. I'd better change for him so he didn't get upset all the time. The abuse seemed to stop just as suddenly as it had started.

But the peace wasn't meant to last. We found out I was pregnant again. Scared...oh boy was I ever! I told the doctor about losing my 1st one and she assured me that a lot of women lose one pregnancy and never lose another one. I asked if I could have an ultrasound. She said wait until 12 weeks along, you'll be able to see more, it'll be more fun that way for you guys.

So at 12 weeks & 3days along, hubby and I went in for the ultrasound. They have those charts on the wall that show your baby in each of the nine months of pregnancy. We looked at them while we were waiting. For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget what happened next. I had been staring straight ahead, afraid to look at the screen until the tech told me everything was ok. Out of the corner of my eye I glanced at my husband. Did I see tears in his eyes? Oh NO! I turned my head to look at him. He looks down at me, crying by this time, "It doesn't look like the picture for three months along" he said to me. The ultrasound tech tells us he'll be right back with the doctor. Dr. comes in, looks, and says the baby never developed beyond seven weeks, there is no heartbeat, and my body hasn't figured it out yet. That's why I hadn't been bleeding or anything. Go home, wait another week and see if my body catches on so I can dispose of it naturally (What an awful, gruesome thing to hear). Well it didn't. A D&C was done a week later on 1/29//99. Tests were done to find out why I'd lost two babies. No answer was found. They said try again in a few months.

After that things got worse and worse. He started drinking and using drugs. The abuse started again, and as time went on it got really bad. Fourth of July weekend he hit me in the face, gave me a black eye. I left to my parent’s house to think and try to figure out what I wanted to do. We talked on the phone while I was there. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and he didn't know what came over him. I believed him and went back.

Later I found out he had spent the weekend having sex with my 'best friend'. After that, all summer was such a nightmare. I was pregnant again (He claimed he wanted to be a dad more than anything, although his actions proved a lot differently). In September I started to spot. Not bad but enough so I called the doctor again. The doctor had been keeping a close watch of this pregnancy because of my history. I'd already had ultrasounds done starting at six weeks along. Everything had been ok. I even had pictures of my baby and had seen the little tiny heartbeat. Well it wasn't to be this time either. After I called the doctor, I went directly in for an ultrasound to see if things were still ok. There was no heartbeat anymore. I was 14 weeks along on 9/29/99.

This was just about all I could stand. I blamed my hubby for it. If he hadn't been so abusive, if he hadn't said such cruel things, my babies would still be here. I left him and moved nine hours away to get myself straightened out, maybe even have a life that resembled something normal. That's when Tyler's birth father came into the picture. It wasn't meant to be anything serious and I sure as heck wasn't planning on ever being pregnant again.

It happened though. Funny how things come to be that are just meant to be that way. When we found out I was pregnant, Scott was ecstatic. There was an ultrasound done around six weeks on January 11, 2000. Scott cried when he saw that little image and heard his baby’s heartbeat.

Then Tyler's birth father went back to his parent’s house to live. I heard from him a couple times right after he left, then nothing at all until after Tyler was born.

When I was about three months along, my ex and I started talking again. He was being oh so sweet to me. Telling me all the things he had before. Except this time he said we should go to counseling together, really get things worked out for sure this time.

I had told him about being pregnant again. He was even nice about that while we were living apart. Told me that because of my history of miscarriages I should keep this baby (as opposed to abortion, which he later wanted and I refused). He said it might be my only chance to ever be a mom. He wanted me to come back. He was ok with everything.

Foolish me believed him and went back. It was great for about a month. Then life became an absolute living hell for me. The abuse was back again. Except this time it wasn't only me. It was my unborn child too. The names he called my baby are way beyond horrible to ever repeat! I was told I didn't deserve to be a mom; he hoped this "problem" would just hurry up and go away so we could forget it and go on with life. Since I was such an awful person, he would make sure one way or another that baby was never with me. He didn't care how or what he had to do, but I better make sure I didn't try to keep that 'thing' or he'd see to it that 'it' wasn't with me.

Oh man, now what? I could take him being mean to me, but to an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet? How in the world was I going to be a mom, with all that having been said? Did he mean it? Would he really hurt this child if I tried to raise him/her? Answers to those questions were something I wasn't willing to take a chance on finding out. I had to get this little one to a safe place where he could never hurt him after he was born.

That's when I started calling agencies, and finally met Paula and Kevin. From the moment I saw their profile I somehow knew it was meant to be them. We met when I was seven months along. I had Paula come to an ultrasound with me. She now has the pictures from that ultrasound. See, for me I knew there was no changing my mind. It just wasn't an option that was open to me. So I wanted the bond for them and this baby to begin even before birth. Both of them were in the hospital with me. Paula saw Tyler come into this world, heard his 1st cry and has been the only mom to hold him. Nurses asked me if I'd like to hold him when he was born. I said no, give him to his mom (Paula). I did hold him once when he was six months old. I knew I couldn't when he was born. There would have been no walking away if I had, and for his sake I had to walk away. After Tyler was safe, I got myself to a safe place and have since rebuilt a normal, functioning life where my ex can't hurt me anymore. I have a wonderful man as my lifelong partner and two daughters, Victoria Rose, born 6/21/02 and Catherine Anne born 10/27/03 that I'm parenting. But the pain he did cause me is something I'll carry with me forever. Tyler's parents have been really good to me through the last four years. I've gotten tons of pictures, emails, videos, phone calls, we’ve had visits, and they sent a gift for Victoria when she was born. His mom has become one of my best friends. She's seen me through some very rough spots in life, when she didn't have to.

Now that my life has become something I’m so very proud of I decided to give something back to two people who were so instrumental in my success. I’ve started a new chapter as a surrogate mom to give Tyler a sibling and his parents a final addition to their family.

To be continued with the rest at a later date...