I was reading some of my other groups this morning while I had coffee. The topic of Birthmother's Day was a hot conversation. For anyone who doesn't know what that is; it's a celebration done the day before Mother's Day each year to celebrate birthmothers. The CCNM (Canadian Council of Natural Mothers) put out a statement in 2000 that sums it up really well:
"Birthmothers
Day perpetuates our marginalization as second-class mothers. To understand how
first mothers feel, imagine the furor which would ensue if the adoption
community were to imagine an "Adoptive Mothers Day"? The motherhood celebrated
on Birthmothers Day is marked for difference, and that difference is lesser than
the motherhood attributed to a "real" mother. Birthmothers Day testifies to the
continuing self-image that we are "not our child’s real mother."
The fact is
that the adoptee has two mothers, both equally real. As such, both first mothers
and adoptive mothers are equally entitled to claim the real Mothers Day as their
own. To relinquish that day as belonging more rightfully the adoptive mother,
instead of claiming it as our own too, does nothing to promote our rights. It
merely makes us look still "shamed".
We want to
promote pride in being a birthmother, not because we did something noble by
surrendering our children to adoption as we have seen above, but because we are
survivors who looked horror and grief squarely in the face and have reclaimed
our lives."
So if you know a birth or first mom please be sensitive to her feelings this coming Mother's Day. You may mean well wishing her a happy birthmother's day but she may not agree.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Flats Handwashing Challenge 2012
This is my first post for the 2012 Flats Handwashing Challenge. What on earth is that you ask. It's a week in May when you commit to cloth diaper using only flats then handwashing and hanging to dry. Of course there are other details but that's the main part of it. Link above for more information.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
For One Moment in Time
For one moment in time you were mine. Your life is a mystery to me. Is your face unrecognizable or would I know if it were you standing before me? Do you know the tears I shed each time my mind wanders back to that hot August day in the year 2000? If I allow myself this walk down memory lane will you walk with me one day? Will you ever know that I would have given my life to keep you safe? Will you forgive me for separating us?
In your newborn memory somewhere do you recall the sleepless nights I spent crying while evil slept, hoping somebody, anybody would come save us? But nobody did. My cries went unheard. My silent pleas went unanswered. Soon you would be born with no one around to keep the evil away. Have you been forever lost to me? I hope you have no memory of the evil that separated us. The monster you could hear in the shadows but never saw; he cannot hurt us anymore.
I used to say good triumphed over evil that day but did it really? You were forever torn from my arms. That is what the evil wanted. So maybe evil did win. We'll never have an answer as to who won. We both lost. I lost you. You lost me. We became strangers the day I signed those papers making it official.
Those damn papers severed a spiritual bond that shouldn't have been broken. You were mine. My flesh and blood. My sweat and tears. My dreams of motherhood made you a reality. Get the papers out of my face. You can't have him. He is mine. The evil won't win today, it can't win today. My hand is signing those papers while my soul silently screams out to grab you and run away.
As I write tonight with my eyes closed I can smell the room where you cried for the first time. I feel the pain of your entrance as if it's still happening. The hard bed underneath me. You're crowning. Oh it burns doctor. Please get it out. Get it out. I scream out for you to be gone from the place where I hurt. Inside I scream please please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready for you to go. They can't have you yet. No, no, no, oh God please help me. They can't have him yet. A sigh of relief the burn is gone. I cannot get up to run away with you. The stirrups hold my numb, dead legs spread eagle. The epidural which brought little relief from the pain of labor now holds me a prisoner in this room.
You're here. You're crying. Are you crying out for me? What are you? We didn't know until that moment when the doctor's voice announces it's a boy. I catch a glimpse of you as they hand you to the nurse. Come to me my precious little angel. I will find a way to save us. Do I want to hold you? Oh do I ever. More than anything I want to hold you. I want to hold you forever. I want to run with you from that place to somewhere the evil can't find us.
No, I tell the nurse to give you to your mommy. She takes you in her arms. Her smile lights up the room. She waited a long time for you. She promises me she will keep you safe. She will take you away from the evil forever to a place that knows only love. Do you know how much I love you? I told you as many times as I could before it was too late. I look at you all snuggled warmly in blankets. You look peaceful, as if all is right with the world.
I walk through the exit. The hot sun hits me in the face. It's a huge difference from the air conditioning I just walked out of it. Temporarily my mind forgets the tears stinging my cheeks. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I need to make it to the car before the screaming in my heart becomes too much to bare and I run back inside for you.
Evil is beside me making sure I do not turn back. My ears hear him saying he is glad it's over and that the problem is finally gone. It's too much for my mind to process. The hands of darkness are reaching out to grab me. I finally make it to the car and slide into the seat. What have I done? The world as I knew it no longer exists.
So maybe it was you who won that hot sunny day in August when I walked out leaving you behind. For now I can only hope that you did. That you continue to win each and every day. You, the one who was mine for only a moment in time. I miss you my son. Until we meet again I will hold onto this moment. Evil cannot take that away from me.
This is what it feels like to become a mother without her child, to place a child for adoption. This is a work in progress I hope to have published as a book someday. It's real. It's raw. It's incredibly painful.
In your newborn memory somewhere do you recall the sleepless nights I spent crying while evil slept, hoping somebody, anybody would come save us? But nobody did. My cries went unheard. My silent pleas went unanswered. Soon you would be born with no one around to keep the evil away. Have you been forever lost to me? I hope you have no memory of the evil that separated us. The monster you could hear in the shadows but never saw; he cannot hurt us anymore.
I used to say good triumphed over evil that day but did it really? You were forever torn from my arms. That is what the evil wanted. So maybe evil did win. We'll never have an answer as to who won. We both lost. I lost you. You lost me. We became strangers the day I signed those papers making it official.
Those damn papers severed a spiritual bond that shouldn't have been broken. You were mine. My flesh and blood. My sweat and tears. My dreams of motherhood made you a reality. Get the papers out of my face. You can't have him. He is mine. The evil won't win today, it can't win today. My hand is signing those papers while my soul silently screams out to grab you and run away.
As I write tonight with my eyes closed I can smell the room where you cried for the first time. I feel the pain of your entrance as if it's still happening. The hard bed underneath me. You're crowning. Oh it burns doctor. Please get it out. Get it out. I scream out for you to be gone from the place where I hurt. Inside I scream please please don't leave me yet. I'm not ready for you to go. They can't have you yet. No, no, no, oh God please help me. They can't have him yet. A sigh of relief the burn is gone. I cannot get up to run away with you. The stirrups hold my numb, dead legs spread eagle. The epidural which brought little relief from the pain of labor now holds me a prisoner in this room.
You're here. You're crying. Are you crying out for me? What are you? We didn't know until that moment when the doctor's voice announces it's a boy. I catch a glimpse of you as they hand you to the nurse. Come to me my precious little angel. I will find a way to save us. Do I want to hold you? Oh do I ever. More than anything I want to hold you. I want to hold you forever. I want to run with you from that place to somewhere the evil can't find us.
No, I tell the nurse to give you to your mommy. She takes you in her arms. Her smile lights up the room. She waited a long time for you. She promises me she will keep you safe. She will take you away from the evil forever to a place that knows only love. Do you know how much I love you? I told you as many times as I could before it was too late. I look at you all snuggled warmly in blankets. You look peaceful, as if all is right with the world.
I walk through the exit. The hot sun hits me in the face. It's a huge difference from the air conditioning I just walked out of it. Temporarily my mind forgets the tears stinging my cheeks. One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. I need to make it to the car before the screaming in my heart becomes too much to bare and I run back inside for you.
Evil is beside me making sure I do not turn back. My ears hear him saying he is glad it's over and that the problem is finally gone. It's too much for my mind to process. The hands of darkness are reaching out to grab me. I finally make it to the car and slide into the seat. What have I done? The world as I knew it no longer exists.
So maybe it was you who won that hot sunny day in August when I walked out leaving you behind. For now I can only hope that you did. That you continue to win each and every day. You, the one who was mine for only a moment in time. I miss you my son. Until we meet again I will hold onto this moment. Evil cannot take that away from me.
This is what it feels like to become a mother without her child, to place a child for adoption. This is a work in progress I hope to have published as a book someday. It's real. It's raw. It's incredibly painful.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Time goes too fast
My last post was about our newest addition to the family. Can you believe enough time has already gone by for him to be rolling over, eating solids, babbling, giggling and playing? At this rate I'm going to be old by next week!
Hubby still works for Cumby's as asst manager. They're going to be getting some new things in the store later this year. That means he will have to travel to MA for training. He thinks it will be sometime in September.
School is almost out for the summer. The girls have their last day June 17th. Victoria's class trip is this week. Please let me remember to pack everything she needs! My memory has left much to be desired lately. I forgot to give Catherine money for milk this morning. She had to send Victoria back to get it before they left for school.
Hmmm let's see, what else is going on in life??? My classes have started for the summer. Seem to be going well so far. The new Moodle (for online classes) takes some getting used to. I think for now I've found everything I need to on it. Need to do my first A&P quiz tonight while the house is quiet and I'm able to sit without interruptions.
Little Dude is waking from his nap. So much for my half hour of mommy time. It was 5 minutes of mommy time. Before I go here is a pic of all the kiddos. Those who know me on Facebook will have already seen it. Those who follow here...enjoy!
Monday, January 10, 2011
long time since I updated
It's been forever since I logged in here to update. In that time my surrogacy journey has ended and we've added another little one to our own family. A little boy. We named him Sonny. He is the cutest little thing!!!! And soooo snuggly.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
My Review of Stairway Twin over Twin Bunk Bed-2 Free Mattresses!
Originally submitted at SimplyBunkBeds.com
For classic style, quality craftsmanship and smart, space-saving design, the Stairway Twin Over Twin Bunk Bed is an excellent choice. The top bunk features safety rails on all sides for increased safety and it's accessed via a set of sturdy stairs. These wide steps are easier and safer for s...
Great bed
By ShannonM1976 from Vermont on 3/6/2010
Pros: Comfortable, Sturdy, Fun
Best Uses: Toddlers, Pre-Teens, Young Children
Describe Yourself: Midrange Shopper
This bed is beautiful, sturdy, my girls love it. It matches the hardwood floors in their room perfectly. The only drawback is the stairs arrive fully assembled. This is a great timesaver during assembly but they are big & very very heavy. If you have to take them upstairs (like we did) make sure you arrange help from some good strong men. Or pay the extra to have them brought in for you.
(legalese)
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Taking a break, Snow and school
Our surro journey is on hold until June. I think Travis updated SMO so most of you who follow here probably already knew that anyway. Until then I won't be posting much about it.
We had snow here in VT this week. It was beautiful on the trees. I got some awesome pics. Shoveling it...aaahhh not so great. Girls had a blast playing outside since it's also been school vacation week.
School is going well. Next week midterm projects are due in Human Growth & Development. March 5th starts registration for summer classes. I can't decide if I want to take the summer off or keep going. The break would be nice. But on the other hand if I take classes year round I'll be finished sooner. I do know if I take classes it will only be online. No way I want to be tied down to a classroom all summer.
We had snow here in VT this week. It was beautiful on the trees. I got some awesome pics. Shoveling it...aaahhh not so great. Girls had a blast playing outside since it's also been school vacation week.
School is going well. Next week midterm projects are due in Human Growth & Development. March 5th starts registration for summer classes. I can't decide if I want to take the summer off or keep going. The break would be nice. But on the other hand if I take classes year round I'll be finished sooner. I do know if I take classes it will only be online. No way I want to be tied down to a classroom all summer.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Cycle Update
Well AF showed yesterday so we have cycle #6 negative. I've sat here trying to think of positive things to say. It's not coming to me this morning. This whole thing sucks! I'm frustrated, angry, sad. Hubby left to take the kids to school so I'm sitting here crying. If he saw me crying I'd get that look like I was nuts. I don't understand what is going wrong??? Hopefully the Dr. can give us some answers on Wednesday when we meet with her. It's so hard not to let all the bad thoughts creep into my mind after this many failed cycles. Maybe I'm too old? Maybe I'm not meant to do this for some reason? Whatever game Mother Nature or fate is playing with us...you will notice NONE of us are laughing. So knock it off already!!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
What a whirlwind!
Ok where to start??? First my middle one had strep throat. Then the oldest got scarlet fever. Scarlet fever is from strep but the body reacts differently to it and you end up with a rash. She's now itchy from head to toe with the rash healing. Then the baby had fever, complained of sore throat day before yesterday. Off to the dr's office again. Sure enough she has strep too. It's her 3rd time having it. The first times were while she was less than 2 yrs old. Dr says there may possibly be a referral out to an ear, nose, throat doc because A)strep that often, that young isn't normal B)her tonsils have stayed big and red for a long time. Yesterday hubby went on antibiotics for strep. During this whole thing I've been coughing, sneezing, stuffed up and cannot hear in my left ear because something is blocking it. I'm off to the docs tomorrow to get poked with needles. For my nursing program, the college needs proof of immunizations. Ummm I'm 33 yrs old. My pediatrician is dead. His old office building is now a music store. So I get special treatment....titers to see if I'm immune to everything I should be. If I'm not I get to have immunizations. Woo Hoo doesn't that sound like fun! Hopefully it doesn't take long to come back. The college put all my financial aid on hold until they have proof of immunizations or immunity. Do dr's offices have frequent flyer miles for so many visits in 1 month?
Today was the day from H E double hockey sticks! If it could go wrong, it DID! And it wasn't even major things. Stupid stuff like fax machine wouldn't work. Printer kept eating the paper. I lost my watch. I shut my finger in the car door. Darling hubby was laughing his butt off at me as I'm saying bad words to the printer. See if he ever gets nookie again!
Today was the day from H E double hockey sticks! If it could go wrong, it DID! And it wasn't even major things. Stupid stuff like fax machine wouldn't work. Printer kept eating the paper. I lost my watch. I shut my finger in the car door. Darling hubby was laughing his butt off at me as I'm saying bad words to the printer. See if he ever gets nookie again!
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Round 6
Round 6 began a couple days ago. It seemed to have taken a long time to get the positive opk's this time. It definately wasn't the same predictable schedule as previous months. Have to talk to the Dr. about it on the 17th when I go. Travis will be going to this appt with me. Yeahhhhhh I get to see him for more than dropoff late at night. Chuck thinks the neighbors are convinced I'm a drug addict with all these night time dropoffs. I can't bring myself to tell them not to worry, it's just my monthly sperm delivery. But the looks on their faces...Oh it would be priceless! Last night the temptation to shout across the parking lot "Thank you for my fix" was too great and I had to give in. Tonight I'll behave. I promise.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Will it ever stop?
So my former IM is at it again. For those of you who know the details from before, this time it's Facebook. I just don't understand WHY? What is there for her to gain from it? To make sure I'm never able to forget how much she hurt me? Come on seriously now, she got what she wanted, leave me alone. Hell will freeze over before I ever give her another baby. I know she wants one. I only hope she doesn't find some other unsuspecting woman to use, abuse & throw away. She's not intimidating me so that can't be her motivation. *Sigh* maybe I just need to accept the fact the woman is off her rocker. I've spoken to the police dept and the lawyer today. Hopefully this can be worked out without me having to file formal charges. She has a job that requires a clean criminal background so pressing charges could really mess with her life. Which would also hurt the boys in the long run. I don't want to do that if at all possible to avoid. I also cannot keep sacrificing my own sanity, children, family and mental well being either. This would be so much easier if I could hate her. I don't. Not sure I ever could. She was at one time a pretty important part of my life. Someone wake me from this bad dream please.
Change is hard
So I went to the last All School Sing that I'll be able to attend for a while with Victoria & Catherine this morning. I'm either more of a creature of habit than I thought or way over emotional. On the way home from it I cried thinking it was the last one. See my 1 on campus class will be Thurs mornings from 9-11:45. All School Sing is 8:50-9:20. I loved going. It's fun to see the entire school together laughing, singing, having fun. The girls come sit on my lap or by my feet. I know getting this nursing degree will benefit the family in the long run. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to get it done, love being in school. But knowing I'll be missing out on little things like this makes it bittersweet.
I'm off to pee on an OPK stick, see what it's telling us this morning. Then get Alexa headed out to go grocery shopping, be done by 3 to pick up the girls. Victoria has ballet class this afternoon at 4:45. Then it's home for a quick dinner of some sort. Maybe pizza night???
Speaking of ballet class I forgot to wash her leotards & tights. Bad mommy!!!!! Guess I need to do that before I go grocery shopping. Someone please make a day longer, 24 hours just isn't enough.
I'm off to pee on an OPK stick, see what it's telling us this morning. Then get Alexa headed out to go grocery shopping, be done by 3 to pick up the girls. Victoria has ballet class this afternoon at 4:45. Then it's home for a quick dinner of some sort. Maybe pizza night???
Speaking of ballet class I forgot to wash her leotards & tights. Bad mommy!!!!! Guess I need to do that before I go grocery shopping. Someone please make a day longer, 24 hours just isn't enough.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Pictures
I have some updated pics of the girls I've been meaning to post.
Alexa and her cousin at the in-laws on Thanksgiving.
Alexa Sept 2009.
Catherine on her 6th bday.
Hubby and Alexa before we went into The Nutcracker.
Victoria Nov 15th, The Nutcracker with Moscow Ballet in Springfield, MA.
Alexa and her cousin at the in-laws on Thanksgiving.
Alexa Sept 2009.
Catherine on her 6th bday.
Hubby and Alexa before we went into The Nutcracker.
Victoria Nov 15th, The Nutcracker with Moscow Ballet in Springfield, MA.
Update again
As most of my followers know this last month was also a negative cycle. The previous ones bothered me but this one was by far the hardest. I cried through my whole period. It was a week long reminder that my body had yet again failed. I know, I know it isn't my fault. But how can you not feel that way when so many times you've gotten pregnant so easily. It was all planned to have this wonderful delivery for the guys for Christmas, and for Chuck's bday. To have it not happen hurts. Now that it's almost time to start insems again I've become more determined than ever to MAKE this happen. Travis and I talked about more aggressive things we can try if this cycle fails. Whatever it takes I'll do it. Life has thrown me curve balls before that I've dealt with. This too I shall deal with and come out the other side screaming victory.
Aside from surrogacy life in general is about to get very busy. I have two online and one on campus courses this semester. Please send lots of math be gentle vibes to me. I'm going to need all you can give. This upcoming math class has the potential to seriously kick my butt. Haven't done calculus or trig since high school. Seeing how I was a senior at age 16, am 33 now...yeah it's been a while. Attempting to keep myself from being in debt up to my eyeballs with loans. Took out just enough to pay for tuition, books plus daycare for the youngest one day a week while I'm in class. I am curious about one thing though. How in the world do the feds figure out that darn EFC? Seriously, if I had that amount to just toss out I wouldn't be applying for financial aid.
Kids began winter activities. Victoria loves ice skating. She lost count of how many times she fell on her butt. Asked if she could have butt pads. Catherine wants to take guitar lessons. Found those for a very reasonable price here in town. They're both still taking ballet lessons. Somewhere in all this craziness hopefully there is time for mommy to sleep. LOL
Hubby started a new job. He's enjoying it. Not sure I am. One of his ex gfs comes in where he works. He told me he talked to her the other night. Gee that's great hunny. Yeah she's a lovely girl. Glad she's still around. *note the sarcasm* Thinking I might send Travis & Chuck in to keep him in line. Boy wouldn't I be in trouble for that one. lol
Anywho it's nearly 10pm on a Sunday night. I should get off my lazy duff, finish washing diapers, pick up toys. Housework elves seem to be on strike lately.
Aside from surrogacy life in general is about to get very busy. I have two online and one on campus courses this semester. Please send lots of math be gentle vibes to me. I'm going to need all you can give. This upcoming math class has the potential to seriously kick my butt. Haven't done calculus or trig since high school. Seeing how I was a senior at age 16, am 33 now...yeah it's been a while. Attempting to keep myself from being in debt up to my eyeballs with loans. Took out just enough to pay for tuition, books plus daycare for the youngest one day a week while I'm in class. I am curious about one thing though. How in the world do the feds figure out that darn EFC? Seriously, if I had that amount to just toss out I wouldn't be applying for financial aid.
Kids began winter activities. Victoria loves ice skating. She lost count of how many times she fell on her butt. Asked if she could have butt pads. Catherine wants to take guitar lessons. Found those for a very reasonable price here in town. They're both still taking ballet lessons. Somewhere in all this craziness hopefully there is time for mommy to sleep. LOL
Hubby started a new job. He's enjoying it. Not sure I am. One of his ex gfs comes in where he works. He told me he talked to her the other night. Gee that's great hunny. Yeah she's a lovely girl. Glad she's still around. *note the sarcasm* Thinking I might send Travis & Chuck in to keep him in line. Boy wouldn't I be in trouble for that one. lol
Anywho it's nearly 10pm on a Sunday night. I should get off my lazy duff, finish washing diapers, pick up toys. Housework elves seem to be on strike lately.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Not much to update on
We're still waiting. Nothing to report on the surrogacy front. Two of the kids and I have colds again. I just love the germs that come home from school. Poor Catherine and Alexa have had eye boogers. It looks like pink eye but they say it doesn't itch or hurt. So I'm going to wait it out a few days, see what happens.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The 2ww is dragging
So we finished insems on the 23rd. Have been waiting, waiting, waiting some more. This could very well be the worst part of the journey. As soon as you enter the 2ww hell time stops. So far I haven't tested. Peesticks are not my friends. They are evil, posessed things that call out your name trying to get you to use them way too soon. *sigh* Anyone have xray vision? Wanna tell me what's going on in there?
Monday, November 23, 2009
Ouch! Ovulation pain
Ok so I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night and the egg was half the size of a fully developed 10 pound baby. There was seriously so much pain I couldn't sleep, couldn't stand up straight, looked like an old woman trying to walk. It finally let up about an hour ago. Thank goodness! Those little swimmers better find the egg this month. I know without a doubt there's at least one in there waiting for them.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
How we change over time
The past few days I've been kinda taking a cyber walk down memory lane and reading old things I've posted on SMO since 2004. It's amazed me how I have changed. In just over 4 years time I've watched so many surrogacy journies unfold, seen good, bad and down right ugly things happen. Many many members there have touched me in ways they more than likely haven't a clue about. Friendships have formed. Lifelong bonds have been built. Relationships have been forever changed. All with what appears to be simple words on a screen. But those words are not just words. When you reach out to someone they remember that. If you hurt someone they never forget. They may forgive but they do not forget. I even found some of my old posts about my first surrogacy. Those left me in tears. It still hurts how that all turned out. Oh how I wish I could go back in time to see if there was something that could have saved the relationship. But I can't. To all my readers please please always tell those you love or care about how important they are to you. You never know if or when the chance to do so could be taken from you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
