Mommy, Surrogate, Birthmom

Time goes too fast

2011-06-06T11:04:00.002-04:00

My last post was about our newest addition to the family. Can you believe enough time has already gone by for him to be rolling over, eating solids, babbling, giggling and playing? At this rate I'm going to be old by next week!

Hubby still works for Cumby's as asst manager. They're going to be getting some new things in the store later this year. That means he will have to travel to MA for training. He thinks it will be sometime in September.

School is almost out for the summer. The girls have their last day June 17th. Victoria's class trip is this week. Please let me remember to pack everything she needs! My memory has left much to be desired lately. I forgot to give Catherine money for milk this morning. She had to send Victoria back to get it before they left for school.

Hmmm let's see, what else is going on in life??? My classes have started for the summer. Seem to be going well so far. The new Moodle (for online classes) takes some getting used to. I think for now I've found everything I need to on it. Need to do my first A&P quiz tonight while the house is quiet and I'm able to sit without interruptions.

Little Dude is waking from his nap. So much for my half hour of mommy time. It was 5 minutes of mommy time. Before I go here is a pic of all the kiddos. Those who know me on Facebook will have already seen it. Those who follow here...enjoy!

long time since I updated

2011-01-10T11:20:00.001-05:00

It's been forever since I logged in here to update. In that time my surrogacy journey has ended and we've added another little one to our own family. A little boy. We named him Sonny. He is the cutest little thing!!!! And soooo snuggly.

My Review of Stairway Twin over Twin Bunk Bed-2 Free Mattresses!

2010-03-06T19:35:00.001-05:00

Originally submitted at SimplyBunkBeds.com

For classic style, quality craftsmanship and smart, space-saving design, the Stairway Twin Over Twin Bunk Bed is an excellent choice. The top bunk features safety rails on all sides for increased safety and it's accessed via a set of sturdy stairs. These wide steps are easier and safer for s...

Great bed

By ShannonM1976 from Vermont on 3/6/2010

Pros: Comfortable, Sturdy, Fun

Best Uses: Toddlers, Pre-Teens, Young Children

Describe Yourself: Midrange Shopper

This bed is beautiful, sturdy, my girls love it. It matches the hardwood floors in their room perfectly. The only drawback is the stairs arrive fully assembled. This is a great timesaver during assembly but they are big & very very heavy. If you have to take them upstairs (like we did) make sure you arrange help from some good strong men. Or pay the extra to have them brought in for you.

(legalese)

Taking a break, Snow and school

2010-02-27T22:08:00.002-05:00

Our surro journey is on hold until June. I think Travis updated SMO so most of you who follow here probably already knew that anyway. Until then I won't be posting much about it.

We had snow here in VT this week. It was beautiful on the trees. I got some awesome pics. Shoveling it...aaahhh not so great. Girls had a blast playing outside since it's also been school vacation week.

School is going well. Next week midterm projects are due in Human Growth & Development. March 5th starts registration for summer classes. I can't decide if I want to take the summer off or keep going. The break would be nice. But on the other hand if I take classes year round I'll be finished sooner. I do know if I take classes it will only be online. No way I want to be tied down to a classroom all summer.

Cycle Update

2010-02-15T08:37:00.002-05:00

Well AF showed yesterday so we have cycle #6 negative. I've sat here trying to think of positive things to say. It's not coming to me this morning. This whole thing sucks! I'm frustrated, angry, sad. Hubby left to take the kids to school so I'm sitting here crying. If he saw me crying I'd get that look like I was nuts. I don't understand what is going wrong??? Hopefully the Dr. can give us some answers on Wednesday when we meet with her. It's so hard not to let all the bad thoughts creep into my mind after this many failed cycles. Maybe I'm too old? Maybe I'm not meant to do this for some reason? Whatever game Mother Nature or fate is playing with us...you will notice NONE of us are laughing. So knock it off already!!!

What a whirlwind!

2010-02-11T18:38:00.000-05:00

Ok where to start??? First my middle one had strep throat. Then the oldest got scarlet fever. Scarlet fever is from strep but the body reacts differently to it and you end up with a rash. She's now itchy from head to toe with the rash healing. Then the baby had fever, complained of sore throat day before yesterday. Off to the dr's office again. Sure enough she has strep too. It's her 3rd time having it. The first times were while she was less than 2 yrs old. Dr says there may possibly be a referral out to an ear, nose, throat doc because A)strep that often, that young isn't normal B)her tonsils have stayed big and red for a long time. Yesterday hubby went on antibiotics for strep. During this whole thing I've been coughing, sneezing, stuffed up and cannot hear in my left ear because something is blocking it. I'm off to the docs tomorrow to get poked with needles. For my nursing program, the college needs proof of immunizations. Ummm I'm 33 yrs old. My pediatrician is dead. His old office building is now a music store. So I get special treatment....titers to see if I'm immune to everything I should be. If I'm not I get to have immunizations. Woo Hoo doesn't that sound like fun! Hopefully it doesn't take long to come back. The college put all my financial aid on hold until they have proof of immunizations or immunity. Do dr's offices have frequent flyer miles for so many visits in 1 month?

Today was the day from H E double hockey sticks! If it could go wrong, it DID! And it wasn't even major things. Stupid stuff like fax machine wouldn't work. Printer kept eating the paper. I lost my watch. I shut my finger in the car door. Darling hubby was laughing his butt off at me as I'm saying bad words to the printer. See if he ever gets nookie again!

Round 6

2010-01-31T07:37:00.000-05:00

Round 6 began a couple days ago. It seemed to have taken a long time to get the positive opk's this time. It definately wasn't the same predictable schedule as previous months. Have to talk to the Dr. about it on the 17th when I go. Travis will be going to this appt with me. Yeahhhhhh I get to see him for more than dropoff late at night. Chuck thinks the neighbors are convinced I'm a drug addict with all these night time dropoffs. I can't bring myself to tell them not to worry, it's just my monthly sperm delivery. But the looks on their faces...Oh it would be priceless! Last night the temptation to shout across the parking lot "Thank you for my fix" was too great and I had to give in. Tonight I'll behave. I promise.

Will it ever stop?

2010-01-21T18:25:00.001-05:00

So my former IM is at it again. For those of you who know the details from before, this time it's Facebook. I just don't understand WHY? What is there for her to gain from it? To make sure I'm never able to forget how much she hurt me? Come on seriously now, she got what she wanted, leave me alone. Hell will freeze over before I ever give her another baby. I know she wants one. I only hope she doesn't find some other unsuspecting woman to use, abuse & throw away. She's not intimidating me so that can't be her motivation. *Sigh* maybe I just need to accept the fact the woman is off her rocker. I've spoken to the police dept and the lawyer today. Hopefully this can be worked out without me having to file formal charges. She has a job that requires a clean criminal background so pressing charges could really mess with her life. Which would also hurt the boys in the long run. I don't want to do that if at all possible to avoid. I also cannot keep sacrificing my own sanity, children, family and mental well being either. This would be so much easier if I could hate her. I don't. Not sure I ever could. She was at one time a pretty important part of my life. Someone wake me from this bad dream please.

Change is hard

2010-01-21T10:28:00.000-05:00

So I went to the last All School Sing that I'll be able to attend for a while with Victoria & Catherine this morning. I'm either more of a creature of habit than I thought or way over emotional. On the way home from it I cried thinking it was the last one. See my 1 on campus class will be Thurs mornings from 9-11:45. All School Sing is 8:50-9:20. I loved going. It's fun to see the entire school together laughing, singing, having fun. The girls come sit on my lap or by my feet. I know getting this nursing degree will benefit the family in the long run. Don't get me wrong I'm excited to get it done, love being in school. But knowing I'll be missing out on little things like this makes it bittersweet.

I'm off to pee on an OPK stick, see what it's telling us this morning. Then get Alexa headed out to go grocery shopping, be done by 3 to pick up the girls. Victoria has ballet class this afternoon at 4:45. Then it's home for a quick dinner of some sort. Maybe pizza night???

Speaking of ballet class I forgot to wash her leotards & tights. Bad mommy!!!!! Guess I need to do that before I go grocery shopping. Someone please make a day longer, 24 hours just isn't enough.

Pictures

2010-01-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

I have some updated pics of the girls I've been meaning to post.

Alexa and her cousin at the in-laws on Thanksgiving.

Alexa Sept 2009.

Catherine on her 6th bday.

Hubby and Alexa before we went into The Nutcracker.

Victoria Nov 15th, The Nutcracker with Moscow Ballet in Springfield, MA.

Update again

2010-01-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

As most of my followers know this last month was also a negative cycle. The previous ones bothered me but this one was by far the hardest. I cried through my whole period. It was a week long reminder that my body had yet again failed. I know, I know it isn't my fault. But how can you not feel that way when so many times you've gotten pregnant so easily. It was all planned to have this wonderful delivery for the guys for Christmas, and for Chuck's bday. To have it not happen hurts. Now that it's almost time to start insems again I've become more determined than ever to MAKE this happen. Travis and I talked about more aggressive things we can try if this cycle fails. Whatever it takes I'll do it. Life has thrown me curve balls before that I've dealt with. This too I shall deal with and come out the other side screaming victory.

Aside from surrogacy life in general is about to get very busy. I have two online and one on campus courses this semester. Please send lots of math be gentle vibes to me. I'm going to need all you can give. This upcoming math class has the potential to seriously kick my butt. Haven't done calculus or trig since high school. Seeing how I was a senior at age 16, am 33 now...yeah it's been a while. Attempting to keep myself from being in debt up to my eyeballs with loans. Took out just enough to pay for tuition, books plus daycare for the youngest one day a week while I'm in class. I am curious about one thing though. How in the world do the feds figure out that darn EFC? Seriously, if I had that amount to just toss out I wouldn't be applying for financial aid.

Kids began winter activities. Victoria loves ice skating. She lost count of how many times she fell on her butt. Asked if she could have butt pads. Catherine wants to take guitar lessons. Found those for a very reasonable price here in town. They're both still taking ballet lessons. Somewhere in all this craziness hopefully there is time for mommy to sleep. LOL

Hubby started a new job. He's enjoying it. Not sure I am. One of his ex gfs comes in where he works. He told me he talked to her the other night. Gee that's great hunny. Yeah she's a lovely girl. Glad she's still around. *note the sarcasm* Thinking I might send Travis & Chuck in to keep him in line. Boy wouldn't I be in trouble for that one. lol

Anywho it's nearly 10pm on a Sunday night. I should get off my lazy duff, finish washing diapers, pick up toys. Housework elves seem to be on strike lately.

Insems begin again

2009-12-16T16:09:00.000-05:00

Tonight we start round 5 of insems. PLEASE let this be our month.

2ww is over

2009-12-07T18:34:00.000-05:00

And we have another failed cycle. So on to cycle #5.

Not much to update on

2009-11-30T18:06:00.000-05:00

We're still waiting. Nothing to report on the surrogacy front. Two of the kids and I have colds again. I just love the germs that come home from school. Poor Catherine and Alexa have had eye boogers. It looks like pink eye but they say it doesn't itch or hurt. So I'm going to wait it out a few days, see what happens.

The 2ww is dragging

2009-11-29T07:37:00.000-05:00

So we finished insems on the 23rd. Have been waiting, waiting, waiting some more. This could very well be the worst part of the journey. As soon as you enter the 2ww hell time stops. So far I haven't tested. Peesticks are not my friends. They are evil, posessed things that call out your name trying to get you to use them way too soon. *sigh* Anyone have xray vision? Wanna tell me what's going on in there?

Ouch! Ovulation pain

2009-11-23T09:10:00.000-05:00

Ok so I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night and the egg was half the size of a fully developed 10 pound baby. There was seriously so much pain I couldn't sleep, couldn't stand up straight, looked like an old woman trying to walk. It finally let up about an hour ago. Thank goodness! Those little swimmers better find the egg this month. I know without a doubt there's at least one in there waiting for them.

How we change over time

2009-11-22T17:54:00.000-05:00

The past few days I've been kinda taking a cyber walk down memory lane and reading old things I've posted on SMO since 2004. It's amazed me how I have changed. In just over 4 years time I've watched so many surrogacy journies unfold, seen good, bad and down right ugly things happen. Many many members there have touched me in ways they more than likely haven't a clue about. Friendships have formed. Lifelong bonds have been built. Relationships have been forever changed. All with what appears to be simple words on a screen. But those words are not just words. When you reach out to someone they remember that. If you hurt someone they never forget. They may forgive but they do not forget. I even found some of my old posts about my first surrogacy. Those left me in tears. It still hurts how that all turned out. Oh how I wish I could go back in time to see if there was something that could have saved the relationship. But I can't. To all my readers please please always tell those you love or care about how important they are to you. You never know if or when the chance to do so could be taken from you.

What a way to wake up

2009-11-21T08:12:00.000-05:00

So this morning I get woken up by the sounds of yelling across the hall. Yup, you guessed it, the older two kids were fighting already. Out of bed I go to find out what the problem is. That was my first mistake. I should have just gone downstairs. Victoria & Catherine were fighting because one looked at the other's drawing. This proceeded into a whole bunch of crying from Catherine along with Victoria declaring she is never ever EVER drawing again in this lifetime. Evidently whatever the major, life altering issue was between them this morning has since been worked out. They are happily playing dress up now.

So I'm bad at updating

2009-11-19T19:44:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I posted here. We've been through a few failed cycles now. I even tried not telling anyone a thing last time hoping it would work. No such luck. We'll be trying again soon this month. Just waiting on that positive OPK to let us know it's time to start.

This past Sunday my oldest, Victoria, danced in The Nutcracker with Moscow Ballet. All the kids did well. From what I've heard the man from Moscow Ballet was not very nice to the director of our dance school after. The company puts on an awesome show but their dancers are not very nice. They refused to have a rehearsal with the kids from the dance school then got upset when the kids made mistakes as to where they should be on the stage. If you had rehearsed WITH them so they could see where you would be they would have known where they should be. I almost don't want to give them anymore of my money. But I want the DVD and professional pics of Victoria dancing.

Glad this week is almost to an end. It's been a long one. Hubby is going out hunting again tomorrow with the neighbor. He needs to be outside ready to leave between 5-5:30am. I'll be volunteering in the school all day. My youngest will be in daycare all day. Hopefully she does ok with it.

Ok off to get kiddos into bed, cook stuffing, do some laundry, take a shower then bed for me. Morning is going to come way too soon.

Another quick soap review

2009-08-15T19:58:00.000-04:00

I've been using my sample of Rhassoul Clay & Yogurt Complexion Soap from
www.chagrinvalleysoapandcraft.com. This stuff is amazing. My face is so smooth all day long. I used to be an avid follower of Mary Kay. Not anymore. This one bar of soap leaves my skin feeling better than all those bottles of Mary Kay did. My only regret is that I didn't discover Chagrin Valley Soaps sooner. It could have saved me alot of time, money, and experimenting over the years.

2 week wait is upon us

2009-08-14T21:39:00.000-04:00

We finished insems tonight. Now the dreaded wait begins. For all my stalkers out there I'll warn you up front I won't be talking about nor posting any pics of HPTs. If we get a positive this month Travis & Chuck will be the first to know after my DH. I have a surprise planned on how to tell them. There is also nobody you can secretly stalk to get any info either. Nobody except my hubby knows what the surprise is. Boy I'm evil aren't I.

Insems soon!

2009-08-12T07:14:00.000-04:00

Possibly even tonight! I can't believe it's here already. I'll put up a pic of one of my OPK sticks from yesterday. The line was even darker last night on 2 different brands. I'm so excited I can't stop smiling.

Some old writings

2009-08-09T22:05:00.000-04:00

So the place that hosts one of my webpages is going to be shutdown. That means I have to move all my writings from there in order not to loose them. These are old. I'm putting them here until I can update them then get another webpage built.

First surrobaby's birthstory:

I got to the hospital around 8:15 on Friday June 17th, 2005.
Was running a bit late because my youngest one came down sick the night
before. IM was there waiting for me. Her 5 yr old had also come down sick
the night before so we were both a nervous wreck about leaving our kids
and about the induction.
We went up to labor and delivery floor. They did the normal paperwork
stuff etc. Then placed the cervidyl. I was having some mild, irregular
contractions when I got there. Unfortunately after waiting all day they
never became anything strong or consistent. Throughout the day I got
phonecalls from my sister about how my youngest was doing at home. She
wasn't doing well at all. I think it made me too tense and held up being
able to go into labor. At around 4:30 I asked if they could let me go home
since nothing was happening. It was decided I'd go home, we'd come back
the following morning and try pitocin.
I left about 5pm. By 8pm I was having strong contractions 1-2 minutes
apart. So called the midwife. She said to come back in. IM and I arrived
back at the hospital around 8:30. This was definitely labor. My cervix was
4-5cm dilated and contractions were beginning to be quite painful. When I
left earlier I had a feeling as soon as I got home and was able to relax
for a while my body would kick in on it's own.
Contractions were pretty painful and I decided to try pain meds. I've done
2 deliveries without them. This time I just didn't want to hurt anymore.
Around 10:30 my epidural was placed. Before the anesthiologist (sp?) got
there the midwife broke my water so she could place an internal monitor on
Matthew. We were losing his heartbeat every time I had a contraction. She
wanted to be able to get a better sense of what was going on. She said the
cord was probably around his neck or wrapped around his body and being
squeezed during contractions. That was a little scary.
Then came time to push. I didn't look at the time so don't know for sure
how long pushing took. Matthew's heartrate was dropping into the 60's each
time I pushed. The midwife had a nurse go get a Dr in case we needed to
get him out in a hurry. IM had been standing next to me holding my leg and
my hand during the pushing. I happened to look up at her to see tears in
her eyes. We were all worried about getting him here safely. Seeing those
tears gave me a big push of adrenaline. It took 2 more pushes for him to
be born. He was fine and absolutely gorgeous. Looks a lot like my youngest
daughter with a full head of black hair. I'm betting the dark hair falls
out in time.

I was asked by a new person considering traditional surrogacy what it had
been like after the birth. This was my answer to her.
My IPs are awesome, IM especially. She's sweet, compasionate,
loving, and so cute as a mom to a new little one. Emotionally it hasn't
been bad recuperating from being a TS. There haven't been any big moments
of hurt, crying or OMG what have I done type feelings. It's the strangest
thing to try to put into words. Yes Matthew is and always will be a part
of me so there's a special connection with him, but at the same time he's
not mine in the same way my 2 girls are. My IPs older son, T, was my
firstborn child. His was a straight adoption, not TS. When I placed him I
went through absolute hell grieving afterward.It literally nearly killed
me on more than one occasion. So that was what I expected after Matthew
was born. Since Matthew's birth I've realized that my grief over T was
more the loss of a dream, dream of mommyhood, than it was actually him.
After I placed him I resigned myself to never being a mommy. I'd had 3
late miscarriages with my husband at the time and then with what happened
to force me to place T the thought of mommyhood just hurt too much to
think of. It wasn't until after I left that situation, allowed myself to
heal and became a mommy myself that I began to think of giving something
back. My girls became my world. After so much heartache and then joy I
realized there were many others out there with the same ache in their
heart as me to hear a little voice say "Mommy." So whether it had been T's
parents or strangers that I had done this for I'd still feel the sense of
love and accomplishment that I do now in helping someone to become a
parent. Being a TS definetly isn't for the weak at heart. Now that all is
said and done I think the most important thing I'd tell a newbie thinking
of being a TS is this: If you really want to do this be sure
you're strong enough, have fully examined your own set of why's and how's,
and honestly are not doing it for money. In the end if money is/was your
primary motivation it'll never be enough to set aside the motherly
instincts, let go and feel good about your journey. TS is the ride of a
lifetime. You'll learn more about yourself from this one experience than
you ever expected.

I've also been asked what I want out of surrogacy. That's a hard thing to
put into words. Of course the obvious answer is to help someone become a
parent, but there's so much more to it than just that. I want the joy
that comes from knowing I helped to change someone's life forever, to
know that when I'm gone the love I have in my heart will live on through
the things I've done. I want my girls to see through me, that with love
and compassion we all can make a difference in this world. I want them to
learn to look beyond themselves and live without selfishness or greed.
Surrogacy just has such a special place for me that goes far beyond words.

Adoption Story:

I got married in 1995 when I was 18. It was great for a while, and then something just seemed to snap. I think it had a lot to do with losing my first pregnancy at 18 weeks along on 3/23/96. He became distant and I turned into an emotional wreck. Life was a battle just to get from one day to the next without crying, asking "why me" and feeling this awful bitterness toward other women who had their babies. "How come they can and I couldn't?"

Then the abuse started, mildly at first. I don't think I really even noticed what was taking place in the beginning. He always said he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and if I hadn't made him so mad, etc. Ok, so I was quite emotional and hard to handle at times. Maybe it was my fault. I'd better change for him so he didn't get upset all the time. The abuse seemed to stop just as suddenly as it had started.

But the peace wasn't meant to last. We found out I was pregnant again. Scared...oh boy was I ever! I told the doctor about losing my 1st one and she assured me that a lot of women lose one pregnancy and never lose another one. I asked if I could have an ultrasound. She said wait until 12 weeks along, you'll be able to see more, it'll be more fun that way for you guys.

So at 12 weeks & 3days along, hubby and I went in for the ultrasound. They have those charts on the wall that show your baby in each of the nine months of pregnancy. We looked at them while we were waiting. For as long as I live I don't think I'll ever forget what happened next. I had been staring straight ahead, afraid to look at the screen until the tech told me everything was ok. Out of the corner of my eye I glanced at my husband. Did I see tears in his eyes? Oh NO! I turned my head to look at him. He looks down at me, crying by this time, "It doesn't look like the picture for three months along" he said to me. The ultrasound tech tells us he'll be right back with the doctor. Dr. comes in, looks, and says the baby never developed beyond seven weeks, there is no heartbeat, and my body hasn't figured it out yet. That's why I hadn't been bleeding or anything. Go home, wait another week and see if my body catches on so I can dispose of it naturally (What an awful, gruesome thing to hear). Well it didn't. A D&C was done a week later on 1/29//99. Tests were done to find out why I'd lost two babies. No answer was found. They said try again in a few months.

After that things got worse and worse. He started drinking and using drugs. The abuse started again, and as time went on it got really bad. Fourth of July weekend he hit me in the face, gave me a black eye. I left to my parent’s house to think and try to figure out what I wanted to do. We talked on the phone while I was there. He told me he was sorry, he loved me, he'd never do it again, and he didn't know what came over him. I believed him and went back.

Later I found out he had spent the weekend having sex with my 'best friend'. After that, all summer was such a nightmare. I was pregnant again (He claimed he wanted to be a dad more than anything, although his actions proved a lot differently). In September I started to spot. Not bad but enough so I called the doctor again. The doctor had been keeping a close watch of this pregnancy because of my history. I'd already had ultrasounds done starting at six weeks along. Everything had been ok. I even had pictures of my baby and had seen the little tiny heartbeat. Well it wasn't to be this time either. After I called the doctor, I went directly in for an ultrasound to see if things were still ok. There was no heartbeat anymore. I was 14 weeks along on 9/29/99.

This was just about all I could stand. I blamed my hubby for it. If he hadn't been so abusive, if he hadn't said such cruel things, my babies would still be here. I left him and moved nine hours away to get myself straightened out, maybe even have a life that resembled something normal. That's when Tyler's birth father came into the picture. It wasn't meant to be anything serious and I sure as heck wasn't planning on ever being pregnant again.

It happened though. Funny how things come to be that are just meant to be that way. When we found out I was pregnant, Scott was ecstatic. There was an ultrasound done around six weeks on January 11, 2000. Scott cried when he saw that little image and heard his baby’s heartbeat.

Then Tyler's birth father went back to his parent’s house to live. I heard from him a couple times right after he left, then nothing at all until after Tyler was born.

When I was about three months along, my ex and I started talking again. He was being oh so sweet to me. Telling me all the things he had before. Except this time he said we should go to counseling together, really get things worked out for sure this time.

I had told him about being pregnant again. He was even nice about that while we were living apart. Told me that because of my history of miscarriages I should keep this baby (as opposed to abortion, which he later wanted and I refused). He said it might be my only chance to ever be a mom. He wanted me to come back. He was ok with everything.

Foolish me believed him and went back. It was great for about a month. Then life became an absolute living hell for me. The abuse was back again. Except this time it wasn't only me. It was my unborn child too. The names he called my baby are way beyond horrible to ever repeat! I was told I didn't deserve to be a mom; he hoped this "problem" would just hurry up and go away so we could forget it and go on with life. Since I was such an awful person, he would make sure one way or another that baby was never with me. He didn't care how or what he had to do, but I better make sure I didn't try to keep that 'thing' or he'd see to it that 'it' wasn't with me.

Oh man, now what? I could take him being mean to me, but to an innocent life that hadn't even been born yet? How in the world was I going to be a mom, with all that having been said? Did he mean it? Would he really hurt this child if I tried to raise him/her? Answers to those questions were something I wasn't willing to take a chance on finding out. I had to get this little one to a safe place where he could never hurt him after he was born.

That's when I started calling agencies, and finally met Paula and Kevin. From the moment I saw their profile I somehow knew it was meant to be them. We met when I was seven months along. I had Paula come to an ultrasound with me. She now has the pictures from that ultrasound. See, for me I knew there was no changing my mind. It just wasn't an option that was open to me. So I wanted the bond for them and this baby to begin even before birth. Both of them were in the hospital with me. Paula saw Tyler come into this world, heard his 1st cry and has been the only mom to hold him. Nurses asked me if I'd like to hold him when he was born. I said no, give him to his mom (Paula). I did hold him once when he was six months old. I knew I couldn't when he was born. There would have been no walking away if I had, and for his sake I had to walk away. After Tyler was safe, I got myself to a safe place and have since rebuilt a normal, functioning life where my ex can't hurt me anymore. I have a wonderful man as my lifelong partner and two daughters, Victoria Rose, born 6/21/02 and Catherine Anne born 10/27/03 that I'm parenting. But the pain he did cause me is something I'll carry with me forever. Tyler's parents have been really good to me through the last four years. I've gotten tons of pictures, emails, videos, phone calls, we’ve had visits, and they sent a gift for Victoria when she was born. His mom has become one of my best friends. She's seen me through some very rough spots in life, when she didn't have to.

Now that my life has become something I’m so very proud of I decided to give something back to two people who were so instrumental in my success. I’ve started a new chapter as a surrogate mom to give Tyler a sibling and his parents a final addition to their family.

To be continued with the rest at a later date...

August is here!

2009-08-01T09:01:00.000-04:00

Wow August 1st. This month is insems. Can't believe it's here already. I'm excited, nervous, anxious. Please please please let my body cooperate and give us a positive this month.

Girls and I are heading to the Farmer's Market soon. Sun is shining but it's not too hot yet. It will be a good morning to get out.

It's also Alexa's birthday this month. In 27 days my baby will be 2 yrs old. Hard to believe how fast time has gone by. She's behind me playing with Victoria. The 2 of them are giggling over funny faces.

Monday Catherine starts kindergarten. She's getting scared I think. She was crying this morning, said she was going to miss us while she was gone. This little introductory period is 3 hours a day for 2 weeks then a week off before the full days start. Now if only I can keep it together when I drop her off Monday. I'm 99.999% sure I'll be crying my eyes out. Someone find the secret to keeping them little please.

My thoughts on Chagrin Valley products so far

2009-07-24T17:41:00.000-04:00

So we've used the nettle shampoo bar sample and herb garden shampoo bar sample. My preference between the 2 was herb garden. My hair felt thicker after using it. I have very fine, thin, dry hair. My husband preferred the nettle shampoo bar. He has thick hair. Both lathered well. The nettle bar lathered just a tiny bit more than the herb garden bar did. For my hair I also needed to follow it with a vinegar rinse which I'll put the directions for at the end of this. Every other day I follow-up with a second wash using the castile & calendula baby soap. This is a regular soap bar made with 100% olive oil. It's great as a conditioning bar for your hair. I would not advise using it every day unless you have extremely dry hair.

You should also know that if you are currently using a store bought shampoo, the shampoo bars are going to take some time to adjust to. Your hair is going to feel very different after washing with a shampoo bar. Don't expect it to feel silky like it does with store shampoos. That silky feeling comes from all the gunk the shampoo is leaving behind on your hair. Read the label on your bottle sometime. If you can even pronounce all the chemicals in there you're doing better than I did. Finally be patient! Give the bar time to work it's magic, remove all the chemical goop from your hair before you make a judgment on it.

I've also been using the whipped shea butter from Chagrin Valley Soaps. One word for it...WOW!!! It is amazing stuff. I used to have horrible, itchy dry skin that drives me mad scratching. I've tried just about every single lotion on store shelves with little to no results. Had finally given up and figured I was just going to have to suffer. One time putting the shea butter on was like magic. I don't itch anymore. My skin is silky smooth.

If you have a chance to try the products from them please do.

Vinegar Rinse recipe courtesy of Chagrin Valley Soap website:

1/2 tablespoon of vinegar to 1 cup of water

After shampooing apply the vinegar rinse.

Now you have a few choices. You may rinse it all out if you want, or leave the rinse on your hair. I don't rinse it out. Leaving the vinegar rinse on your hair helps prevent tangles in long hair. Since the vinegar restores natural pH it also helps prevent an itchy scalp. As your hair is drying you will smell vinegar, but once your hair dries, no smell. I was skeptical at first--but this really works!

Update coming soon...

2009-07-23T21:33:00.000-04:00

There are a couple people who are waiting for updates on a few things. I will try to get to them tomorrow after I take the cat to the groomer. Feel a migraine coming on tonight. I'm off to bed before it gets completely out of control.

So tired of the way adoption is portrayed as a marvelous wonder

2009-07-20T14:36:00.000-04:00

Normally I would have kept this to myself but today I'm just in a pissy mood so here it goes...

I am so sick & tired of how adoption is portrayed as a marvelous solution for an unplanned pregnancy. Even worse is that d@mn term open adoption. Sorry folks but open adoption is a big game of russian roulette with your's and your child's emotions. There is not one single state in the good ole USA that will actually enforce an open adoption agreement. Know what that means? It means if you place your child, the adoptive parents promise to keep in touch, then decide not to, you are out of luck. Adoptions can be reversed on the basis of fraud if you can prove it. But here's the kicker...lieing to the expectant mom about contact isn't considered fraud. It's considered the adoptive parents' right because once the bio mom signs she has no more connection to her own baby than a stranger walking down the street.

Having lived just that scenario there is no way my daughters will ever be allowed to place a child for adoption while there is still an ounce of life in my body. I love them way too much to sit back and allow them to walk into the hell which comes with living as a birthmom. When are people going to wake up to the reality adoption is not the sunshine & roses choice they think it is. It makes me soooo mad.

I speak out nicely and people brush it aside. Whatever!!! Go on living under your rock. I hope one of your daughters never ever has to walk in the place I'm in now. I certainly hope your daughter doesn't end up the way Cindy or Kate did either. Read about them here: www.remembercindy.com I was in a private group with Cindy and still to this day think of her, miss her and wish her life could have been different. Think those are out of the ordinary stories? Think again. Things like that are more common among birthmothers than adoption promoters would ever want the public to know.

15 years ago today...

2009-07-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

We buried my gram. It still hurts even after all this time. As irrational as it is I will always wonder if I could have kept her with us just a little bit longer. She wanted to live to see her first grandchild graduate from high school. I graduated June 11, 1994. She passed July 13, 1994. Sometimes I wish I could go back for just one more day with her. Going up after school to help carry in wood for the stove. Vacuuming the dog hair from the rug under her table because Jaime, her alaskan malamute, was always leaving hair behind. Heading down to the basement to get a jar of gram's homemade sour pickles...yummy! Her homemade tomato soup...never have been able to find anything tasting as good. And darning socks...she never just threw anything away. Was a child from the depression era. She taught me how to darn socks. By the time you threw away a sock it had more stitching than it did original material. I miss her so much. But will never ever regret taking care of her and being with her right up to her very last breath. We all still miss & love you gram. You'll never be forgotten.

My girls are growing up

2009-07-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Victoria got her ears pierced. She did so well. I was really proud of her. Also lost another tooth. So she had a visit from the tooth fairy last night. Seems in the blink of an eye they go from little baby you're snuggling to big kid.

My mom has been in the hospital with a broken hip. She was thrown from a horse. She's doing well. They are working on finding a pain med that doesn't make her too drowsy but still takes enough of the pain away. Then she'll be going to a rehab place before coming home. I offered to come stay with her at home for a while, help her but she declined my offer. She doesn't want to feel like a burden to her kids. Stubborn woman stubborn stubborn stubborn!!! She promised she would keep it in mind and let me know if she changes her decision. My Dad seems lost at home without her there. After 31 years being married you get used to the other person being around.

On Sunday Catherine, Victoria and I had ice cream with my IFs. It was cute. They set up a rock selling game then it seemed to move to a contest looking for the biggest white rock. Chuck won. Travis told them there were rocks in their head and a rock fairy. (Thanks Travis LOL) Catherine came home asking Daddy if it was true about rocks in her head. Poor Daddy was lost until I explained it to him.

Today we are heading off to play in the brook after lunch. Girls are excited about it. Sun is out. Hopefully weather continues to cooperate.

Attaching a pic from earlier this summer of Victoria.

Infertility sucks!!!

2009-07-12T07:12:00.000-04:00

I saw something this morning that has left me feeling awful. A friend of mine selling her baby things. She has tried so long, so hard to find a surrogate. She and I tried to match a couple times. It didn't work out so we could. Since that time I've remained friends with her. Watched her struggle then hurt. It's just NOT FAIR!!! She's not crazy. She's not mean. She would give you her last dime if she thought you needed it more than she did. Why is it she gives so much and the universe continues to crap on her. It should be her turn by now to get something in return. Infertility sucks!

One of those kinda days...

2009-07-10T06:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's appt went well with the midwife. She did my pap, took out my IUD, did my STD testing, asked me some questions, gave me some info I let the guys know about, took my bp which was 122/70. She is excited to be a part of a surrogacy. Will be the first surrogacy in the office. She can't wait to meet the guys. Said they sounded like big sweethearts when I was talking about them.

The girls played at Meme & Bampa's (hubby's parents) while I went to my appt. They love going there. It's always a fight getting them to leave. Meme & Bampa have a playground and a doggy so it's child heaven. Helps too that Bampa keeps a candy stash. They know what he's after if he walks to a certain part of the kitchen.

Time for coffee. Have to wake hubby by 7:30 to get ready for his appt with the dr today. Finally!!! It only took 5-6 weeks of waiting to get in to see this dr for his back.

Lots to catch up on...

2009-07-06T19:27:00.000-04:00

Saturday we went to my sister's for the 4th of July. Rained most of the day. Didn't end up going to fireworks. On the way home Alexa decided to vomit. So we spent a half hour on the side of the highway catching fountains of vomit with beach towels, cleaning her up with bottles of water and trying to clean out a carseat enough to get her home. Apparently eating gobs of frosting with nothing else in your tummy except liquids is not a good idea. It doesn't settle well. LOL

Yesterday we got to play outside. Had a beautiful sunny day. Came inside to have strawberry shortcake before getting ready for bed. Did you know Cool Whip makes a great hair & skin treatment? Alexa experimented with it last night. Cream cheese does too. She tried that this morning. A tip for any of my readers out there; Nature's Gate Organic baby shampoo does not remove ground in gobs of cream cheese from baby fine hair. In order to get it all out you need to carefully scrub with adult shampoo.

Today we spent another day outside. Played with a parachute since all the neighborhood kids were here, had bubbles to chase, drew pictures on the sidewalk, had a couple atitudes from Victoria when she didn't get to go off by herself with the older kids, and seperated two 6 yr olds who thought they needed to be kissing. All in all it's been an interesting few days.

Mommy withdrawls

2009-07-03T21:42:00.000-04:00

Here it is almost 10pm on a Friday night. My older 2 have gone to stay the night with my sister. Mommy withdrawls started less than five minutes after they left. One child for the entire night. What in the world do I do with myself when there is only 1 child? Alexa (pictured) and I played outside, read some books, we put every bear she owns down to nap...at least 4 times LOL. Those bears kept having poop. So we had to change them. You can't let a teddy bear nap with a stinky diapy. Then off to the tubby to play with her new rubber ducky.

With a push from hubby I'm attempting to come out of the dark ages of technology. Got myself a new cellphone today with Verizon. Hubby wanted me to get a Blackberry. Took one look at them, ummm NO thanks. I swear people invent these things just to confuse those of us who are technology challenged. So anyhow, I was fooling around with my new phone while chatting with one of my IFs. Somehow it popped up on the phone's screen that sound was now off. You think I could figure out how to turn it back on??? Yeah right!!! Had to call tech support to walk me through it. I did calculus & trigonometry as independent study courses my senior year of high school yet I can't figure out a dang cellphone without calling tech support. Where is the logic in that?

Tomorrow will be a trip to my sister's house. We're planning a BBQ, fun with water toys then off to see fireworks. Can't wait to see my girls. It's going to be pure torture having to wait until late morning to leave. Hubby is working tonight. He'll have to sleep a few hours in the morning before we go. Over tired, crabby husbands are not a pleasant thing. Especially during a nearly 2 hour car ride. Anyhow the dishwasher is done. Off to put dishes in the cupboard, take a shower and head into dreamland.

Happy 4th of July!!!! Stay safe. Have fun. Catch up with you sometime Sunday.

Rain rain go away

2009-07-01T07:20:00.000-04:00

It rained again last night. We had thunderstorms rolling around from 5pm until at least 1am when I went to bed. At this rate my house is going to float away. So far basement has remained free of water. Which is surprising since usually too much rain means a wet basement.

Well I thought all was safe to sit with my coffee, blog, read emails. Boy was I wrong. Catherine came to tell me Alexa was painting on her knee. Painting? How in the world is she painting? The paints are in the top of the hallway closet. There's no way she could have reached them. Into the living room I went to see what was going on. Awww geesh it stinks. She's painting herself with poop from her diaper. I just changed her before I sat down with my coffee. She was clean, playing with her dolls & teddybears. Even after three children it still amazes me the ways they can find to make a mess.

So this post started over an hour ago as a blog about the weather. Ended up about poop. If this is a sign of how my day will progress I vote myself back to bed.

Where to begin...

2009-06-30T07:56:00.000-04:00

I'm never good at the first post when starting a new blog. I feel like it should be something wonderful with profound meaning behind it. Hmm today that just is not happening. Presently my house is quiet. The oldest has gone to Walmart with Daddy to see MeMe (grandma) at work. The middle one is upstairs painting while the youngest is at my feet playing. So mommy is enjoying a hot cup of coffee.

Hot coffee, now there's a rare occurrence. Nine times out of ten I get lukewarm coffee I've come back to after helping someone with something. It's gloomy outside again today. Supposed to rain yet again. That means the down time for mommy will be short lived.

When Daddy is back it will be my time to get in the shower. A new box of sample soaps arrived yesterday from Chagrin Valley Soaps. The chocolate almond smells good enough to eat. Can't wait to use all of them. I'll let everyone know how those turn out.

My appt for female exam is July 9th. Looking forward to that about as much as I would look forward to getting the plague. But it is a necessary evil when you're a woman. And people wonder why women can be so moody sometimes. Try sticking cold metal into the most private parts of your body, tell me if it makes you good natured. I bet it doesn't. Well ok it might. But if it does then you've done it wrong somehow because you are not supposed to like it.

Coffee cup is empty. Time to return to mommy duty.